Pretty cool, if you don't screw it up. (Photo: Xof711)

ANOTHER ONE for the Darwinism In Action file…

A 26-year-old “thrill-seeker” had to be rescued off a steep cliff in Toronto yesterday after he attempted to BASE jump from the bluff and got his chute snagged on one of the peaks.

For those who aren’t aware, BASE jumping involves leaping off fixed objects, namely Buidings, Antennae, Spans or, as in this case, Earth (a cliff, to be precise).

The Toronto Star reports that what went down – or didn’t – yesterday appeared to be a “stunt gone wrong:”

…the adventurer made a miscalculation in his jump, leaving him suspended about 60 metres from the base of the Bluffs where authorities found him when they arrived on the scene … Police said the man, who they know to have pulled off similar stunts in the past, will not be facing charges as there is nothing in the criminal code that applies to the incident.

Well there should be, dammit. Fine him at least. The idiot screwed up, and taxpayers have to pay for his bailout, which isn’t cheap; not to mention he also put the lives of firefighters and other emergency personnel in danger in to order to rescue his sorry ass off that cliff.

You’ll have to forgive me my Sunday afternoon rant. I’ve had a long-standing beef with this whole BASE jumping thing.

Several years ago I worked at the local newspaper in Golden, British Columbia, which is a Rocky Mountain mecca for global “adventure-seekers.”

On a number of occasions I reported on BASE jumpers who had failed in their efforts. It was always a huge ordeal to rescue them and it typically cost hundreds of thousands of dollars, none of which was paid by the meathead who got himself into the mess.

Back in 2005, a BASE jumper’s chute malfunctioned after he leaped off the side of a skyscraper in downtown Calgary. He crash landed, hard, onto the ceiling of the glass walkway below. (We later discovered he was the widowed father of two little kids … if that tells you anything about the soundness of his judgment.)

These guys think they’re pretty hardcore, and maybe they are – if they can pull off their jumps. Otherwise they’re just some dude lying mangled on top of a pedestrian walkway, or a douchebag dangling from a 60-metre cliff in the middle of November.

Either way, not very badass.

ryan@roadtostarrdom.com

Not the most pleasant creature, but it's ours.

CANADA GEESE are a complete and utter nuisance.

They happen to bear this country’s name, and, as such, have come to be seen as a national symbol of sorts, along with Mounties, beavers and maple syrup. But our default national bird can also be quite a pain, particularly beyond our borders.

Recall Canada geese were responsible for bringing down Capt. Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger’s US Airways Flight 1549 in January 2009 (to be fair, though, they could also be credited with helping him become an American hero, at least for a few weeks, until another one came along.)

Sadly, last week 400 geese in Brooklyn’s Prospect Park were rounded up and gassed over concerns they were endangering airplane flights.

Canada geese also shit a ton and always seem to leave piles of poo in their wake. And so in Oregon recently, another 109 of them were gassed, because “the birds had become a pest in local parks, and many people were disgusted by the goose droppings,” the Canadian Press reports.

I don’t like to hear about any animals being gassed, even if it’s a cull carried out by civic authorities in an effort to mitigate a problem. But I understand that it sometimes has to be done, and I suppose that’s the most humane way to do it. It happens here in Canada, too.

What baffles me, though, is what happened in New Jersey earlier this week when police discovered 18 geese that had been beaten and shot in the head in a parking lot near a pond. I realize we’re talking about New Jersey, the a-hole of America, but still, who does that?

Not surprisingly, the matter has sparked outrage here in the Great White North — Goosegate, it’s being called.

The controversy is for good reason — can you imagine if a Canadian were to slaughter a bunch of bald eagles, the national bird and quintessential symbol of the United States? Methinks the long-predicted American invasion of this ”freedom-hating” nation would be imminent.

ryan@roadtostarrdom.com

Related: Honk if you love the Canada Goose

THERE ARE

It’s under the latter category you can place Tamara Broomfield (seen at right), a Toronto-area devil woman who fed her two-year-old son cocaine for more than a year, almost killing him at one point with an overdose.

The single mother, 28, was convicted last year for administering cocaine to her son, and of aggravated assault endangering life and assault causing bodily harm.

At the sentencing hearing yesterday, the judge described Broomfield’s actions as ”gross parental abuse over a prolonged period of time against a vulnerable and defenceless child.

“As a result … her son Malique has sustained permanent and irreversible brain damage causing him to be dependent on others for the rest of his life.”

You might think this crazy woman should be put away for life – or trotted out in front of a firing squad, if this were Utah – yet she received only a seven-year prison sentence for such horrifying abuse of her own child.

The mother, who has no criminal record or history of drug addiction, never provided an explanation for why she did what she did, prompting the Crown attorney to describe her simply as “evil.”

Broomfield – a.k.a. the worst mother on earth – maintains she is innocent and plans on filing an appeal, her lawyer said. The mind races to think what she could possibly come up with by way of a legit defence.

In the meantime, I’m thinking female castration is in order for Tammy. Given that parents aren’t required to get child-bearing licences, it’s really the only sensible way to save another kid from being coked up and beaten by this psycho.

ryan@roadtostarrdom.com

Dude, you're so not.

I CAN ONLY snicker when stories like these surface.

A Nova Scotia woman wanted a tattoo of the phrase “You’re so beautiful” put on her arm.

(Straight off, I don’t get it. Is she referring to herself as beautiful, or someone else and she thinks her arm is the best place to declare this? Or is some dude paying to have this permanently inscribed on her, a sort of redneck way of marking his territory?)

Anyway, the tattoo artist plugged the words into a computer, showed the preview display to the client, and then proceeded to stencil the phrase on her arm.

It was only after the deed was done that this chick discovered the tattoo just carved onto her had a rather unfortunate typo. It actually read, “You’re so beatiful.”

The botched-tat victim subsequently sued her grammatically-challenged artist.

I damn near snorted out my cereal milk when I read about all of this. It’s pretty funny, in a tragic sense. 

As a matter of professional and personal course, I place loads of value on the importance of correct spelling.

The tat artist should probably know how to spell a basic word like beautiful — or at least use spell check or something — but we all make mistakes. Some are just more permanent than others.

I’ve seen enough egregious typos in newspaper headlines to realize that nobody’s perfect, even those who need to be so as not to get fired.

But c’mon: if you’re the one who’s about to get a frickin’ tat, don’t you think you should probably double check the spelling first? Even if you’re wasted or whatever, bring a pal along to make sure you’re not about to permanently brand yourself a dumbass.

The small claims court apparently saw things along these lines; it ruled against the botched-tat girl, saying she was the “author of her own misfortune” (nice one judge!) for failing to correct the misspelled word before it was inked on her arm.

The typo victim subsequently tried to fix the tattoo error, according to reports. At least she realizes a beatiful tat isn’t beautiful – it’s pitiful.

ryan@roadtostarrdom.com

>> Oddee.com has a list of 10 misspelled tattoos that is good for a few more chuckles.

A mummified cat was found in the ceiling of the humane society during the raid.

A RAID on the Toronto Humane Society last Thursday has resulted in animal cruelty charges against a handful of agency employees, including its president and chief veterinarian.

The action was prompted in large part by a Globe and Mail investigation that revealed diseased animals who were left to die in their cages because of what the paper calls the shelter’s “much-too restrictive euthanasia policy.”

The Globe also obtained pictures of cats and dogs living in their own excrement, among other disturbing details.

Investigators carrying out the raid last Thursday found something particularly horrifying: a mummified cat in a cage. Here’s how the Toronto Star described the scene (I nearly vomited in my mouth when I first read this):

… a tip led investigators to pull panels from a ceiling on the second floor, where they discovered the body of the caged animal. Its skin stretched thin over frail bones. Its organs turned to thick dust, the remains of a feast for maggots. The cat was sealed in a live trap, the door closing after it was lured by food, above a high-traffic area. Its weakening cries would have mixed with the chorus of animals below.

The Ontario Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, which carried out the raid, said it also discovered expired pet food, years-old apparently, that was being fed to sick cats. Since the raid five of the animals have been put down: a puppy, a dog, two cats and a raccoon.

One former humane society veterinarian told reporters touring the building post-raid that sick animals were not given pain medication. She said she’d resigned because management often overruled her professional decisions and because the facility was understaffed.

The humane society denies these charges. “The animals are under excellent veterinary care, they receive all medicines, all treatments, all procedures necessary to make them better,” a spokesman said.

What’s at issue here is a fundamental difference of opinion about what’s best for animals sick with inoperable conditions: Should they be kept alive as long as possible, no matter the cost (physical and financial); or should they be put out of their misery?

The Humane Society trumpets its low euthanasia rates, presumably in an effort to attract donations from those who are firmly in that former camp. (Critics point out that these numbers are so low because many animals are left to die slow painful deaths in their cages.)

I think keeping any animal alive that’s suffering from an incurable condition is cruel, plain and simple. It is the exact opposite of humane.

I’ve had a number of pets over the years – dogs, cats, heck guinea pigs. The decision to put them down rather than let them continue living in pain is never an easy one to make. You love these furry little creatures; they’re a part of your family and you can’t fathom life without them.

But soon you come to the realization that this is not about you or your needs; it’s about doing what’s right for a poor, helpless animal.

If those who are supposed to be caring for suffering animals don’t get this, maybe they themselves deserve to be locked in cages and left to rot.

ryan@roadtostarrdom.com

UPDATES

Dec 1: Humane society warned by province

Dec 1: Wildlife taken from humane society

Busted: Dickie Stormchaser and Balloon Boy

Sheriff Jim Alderden said Sunday that Richard and Mayumi Heene – the Fort Collins, Colo. couple who days ago reported their six-year-old son Falcon had floated away in a wayward helium balloon – “put on a very good show for us, and we bought it.” (The police might have bought it, I don’t think many others did, though.)

“It has been determined that this is a hoax, that it was a publicity stunt,” the sheriff said, “and we believe we have evidence at this point to indicate that this was a publicity stunt in hopes to better market themselves for a reality show.”

Of course they did. My lord. Dickie Stormchaser and his weird wife should definitely be made to pay the entire bill for their son’s “rescue” operation. Their children should be taken from them and put in the care of people who aren’t goddamn crazy.

And forget charges. This nutjob couple should be put in a faulty hot air balloon and sent out over the Rockies in the dead of winter and left to fend for themselves. Come to think of it, that could make a great reality show…

ryan@roadtostarrdom.com

>> And now, just in time for Oct. 31: Balloon Boy, the Halloween costume

The three convicted would-be bombers.

The case resulted in new restrictions for airline passengers – as anyone who flies is painfully aware of – including limits on how much liquid and gel we can carry aboard a plane. (In some cases, mothers were made to drink their own breast milk to prove it wasn’t going to be used to make a bomb.)

The men are to be sentenced next week. Rather than the traditional options like life in prison or death, however, I propose a course of disciplinary action that would be far more satisfying to all us innocent air travelers who have been totally screwed over.

First, these would-be terrorists should be made to drink all the bottles of water and coffee and the various other liquids and gels that are confiscated each day from passengers at Heathrow Airport. Look at it as a kinder, gentler type of waterboarding. The deal is that they can only stop once they throw up or piss themselves (videos of which must be posted on YouTube).

Next, the three men should have to give up a some vital organs – a lung each, maybe a kidney – which could be sold with the proceeds used to reimburse flyers who are forced to toss out goods they can’t carry onboard.

Finally I think the convicted terrorists should be made to put on belts and shoes, then remove them, then put them back on again, and on and on, non-stop, for at least 12 hours a day. That outta drive ‘em batty. Oh and then they must get yelled at by some crabby airport security person.

I know, I know, this all sounds like cruel and unusual punishment, but I don’t see it that way. After all, going through security in an airport these days is absolute torture.

So before they get to wile their lives away in the cushy confines of some UK prison, these would-be terrorists should have to first experience a bit of the hell they’ve created for us poor, freedom-loving travelers.

ryan@roadtostarrdom.com