But when it comes to helping raise awareness of men’s health issues, Movember has got some substantial competition from the Durham Region Health Department:

Not exactly sure what having people walk through a 40-foot-long colon helps to achieve, other than causing more than a few of the explorers to lose their lunch (hopefully not through their colons). Suppose that is the point: show you what colon cancer looks like, scare the shit out of you (again, hopefully not literally), and push you to take steps to prevent it.

As odd as a gigantic colon attraction might be – how many folks will be traipsing out to The Oshawa Centre for a stroll though it, you have to wonder – helping people to get more in touch with their vital organs is never a bad thing. Indeed, as far as the value of spending a few minutes to educate yourself is concerned, this 40-foot-long colon could hardly be considered a waste.

ryan@roadtostarrdom.com

HOW’S THAT FOR heeding a warning? Saw this head-shaking piece of work on the way into a Toronto-area hospital yesterday. If the genius driver responsible for the damage could read the sign, apparently he didn’t get the message.

ryan@roadtostarrdom.com

I CAME ACROSS this dumpster the other day, and had to look twice to make sure I’d read the sign correctly.

I’m pretty sure the guy who composed the message meant to write “garbage,” but then, what do I know – maybe there’s been a big problem of late with people tossing entire garages into dumpsters.

I can see how that would *drive* a contractor crazy.

ryan@roadtostarrdom.com

What on earth did you put in these brownies?!

Police in the provincial capital were called to an office building last week following reports of a possible poisoning. According to the Victoria Times Colonist: “Three employees, all at once, had been taken to hospital with similar symptoms, including light-headedness, numbness in the limbs and disorientation.”

“Investigations led to the office refrigerator and some brownies which, it turned out, had been baked with marijuana.”

Apparently the brownies were brought in by a woman who had discovered them in her freezer at home. Her stoner son later admitted to police that the treats were his, that he’d made them a year ago, and that – true to form! – he had forgotten about them.

“No action was taken, even though a criminal charge of possession of a controlled substance or administering a noxious substance could have been laid,” the Times Colonist notes. “However, it is expected that the son will take part in community work to hold him accountable.”

Part of that work will no doubt include hooking up those of his Mom’s office workers who tried the brownies, didn’t go to hospital, enjoyed the “light-headedness, numbness in the limbs and disorientation” – and want to know where they can’t get some more of that good shit.

ryan@roadtostarrdom.com

Just another day at the office...

I DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT The Brokers With Hands on Their Faces Blog back in 2008, when the global economy took a big ol’ tumble into the toilet. I’m sure it would have lent a bit of bizarre lightheartedness to an otherwise f-d up situation.

The blog – which, as per its name, showcases images of brokers with hands on their faces, those cliched photos that most every newspaper in the world runs whenever the economy takes a turn for the worst – was launched in the fall of 2008 as a humorous response to the big crash. It ceased operations in 2009 when things seemed to be improving, at least as far as financial markets were concerned.

With the markets having resumed their madness over the past week, however, TBWHOTFB creator Matthew Robison – who has since relocated from New York to Wisconsin, and is struggling to make ends meet – decided to re-start his Tumblr photo blog with fresh images of, well, brokers with hands on their faces. Honestly, you’d think these guys would be used to watching the markets get hammered; that reacting like that would just be a waste of energy at this point.

Anyway, kudos to Robison for being able to find a bit of funny in these deeply depressing (or is that Depression?) circumstances.

ryan@roadtostarrdom.com

A devilish delight, but at what cost?

THE CANADIAN NATIONAL EXHIBITION, Toronto’s annual summer fair, is a nexus of summer-eating naughtiness, a place where fatty food lovers can really get their fix.

Last year deep fried butter was the talk of the town. This year, it’s the donut cheeseburger, which has two Krispy Kreme donuts for a bun. This heart attack waiting to happen comes to the CNE courtesy of Epic Burgers and Waffles, a local proprietor which put out a press release earlier this week to promote their public health hazard. “The salty/sweet combination is a perfect convergence of all that is insanely good,” the company boasts.

But it comes at a cost.

This donut cheesburger is only $8, but its total calorie count is 1,500 – almost an entire day’s caloric intake for many folks – and that’s without including a fried egg and bacon, which can be added for a couple of bucks, and pounds, extra. To put this devilish dish in perspective, the Toronto Star notes that a double Big Mac (four patties) is 700 calories, while KFC’s Double Down is only 540 calories.

Epic Burgers is proud of its belt-/heart-bursting creations. Its other signature dish The Behemoth, a burger sandwiched between two grilled cheese sandwiches. Makes you wonder if these guys will be forced to take out extra insurance at the CNE, in case someone croaks after eating one their devilish but no doubt delicious creations.

At the very least they would do well to have a defibrillator close by.

ryan@roadtostarrdom.com

The word, which Muther writes is “gaining popularity as both a throwaway intensifier and a replacement for ‘figuratively’ … has been misused by everyone from fashion stylist Rachel Zoe to President Obama, and linguists predict that it will continue to be led astray from its meaning. There is a good chance the incorrect use of the word eventually will eclipse its original definition.”

As seen above – “literally” means “in a literal sense, as opposed to a non-literal or exaggerated sense.” Simple enough. “It should not be used as a synonym for actually or really,’’ author Paul Brians is quoted noting in Muther’s piece. “Don’t say of someone that he ‘literally blew up’ unless he swallows a stick of dynamite.’’

Alas, much as grammar sticklers might gripe about flagrant misuse of “literally,” it’s probably a waste of energy. “Linguists and academics believe the word will soon join others that are so misused as to be past restoring,” Muther writes. “Nothing has done much to discourage incorrect usage of the word. Watch any talk show or listen to any conversation and “literally’’ will pop up as often as “like’’ or “um.’’ He continues:

If misuse of “literally’’ continues at the current rate, its true meaning could meet the fate of words such as “nonplussed’’ (meaning surprised and confused, but often misused as a synonym for disconcerted), or “bemuse’’ (to bewilder or puzzle, but often misused as a synonym for amuse). These are words that have been misused for so long that their original definitions have been completely distorted.

(I’d like to add a personal pet peeve to this list: “reactionary” – as an adjective describing someone who is reacting to something, versus the proper definition: Someone who opposes political or social liberalization or reform. Grrr.)

One solution to the “literally” problem, Muther’s story suggests: encourage  misusers and abusers of the word to try and rephrase their sentences. A nice idea, but I’m certain the effort required to do this, likely futile, could well end up driving grammar mavens crazy – literally.

ryan@roadtostarrdom.com

Image: thesun.co.uk

IN WHAT HAS to be the ultimate act of douche-baggery, a super-rich Abu Dhabi sheikh had his name, HAMAD, carved into sand on an island he owns, in letters so large they can be seen from space.

The Sun newspaper reports: “The name is two miles across — with letters a kilometre high. It is so huge that the “H”, the first “A” and part of the “M” have been made into waterways.”

What an asshole.

Apparently this guy is so rich that he has a fleet of more than 200 cars “including seven Mercedes 500 SELs painted in different colours of the rainbow … housed in a custom-built pyramid,” according to the Sun.

Can’t say for certain, but I’m pretty sure the size of those letters is inversely proportional to the size of Hamad’s willy.

ryan@roadtostarrdom.com

The host thought he was interviewing Ben Walker, the baseball editor for the Associated Press, about the Roger Clemens trial.

Turns out the guest was actually Michael Wolff, a Vanity Fair contributor and author of a Rupert Murdoch biography, who promptly shuts down the interviewer – a clip that is as awkward as it is hilarious, especially since the presenter then unabashedly and abruptly cuts Wolff off and moves on to other news):

This harks back to a similar goof in 2006 when the BBC interviewed Guy Goma, who had shown up for a job interview at the Beeb but was mistaken for Guy Kewney – a technology expert – and shuffled onto the set to offer his thoughts on Apple’s court case with The Beatles’ record company.

Unlike Wolff though, Guy Goma at least attempted to bullshit his way through the appearance, which you sort of have to admire. But then, he wasn’t cut off by the presenter. Regardless, it also made for great television:

ryan@roadtostarrdom.com

Now, with yesterday’s bombshell that the News of the World would be shut down following the 168-year-old paper’s phone-hacking scandal, it’s time to see what the notoriously nasty British tabs – which love to revel in the downfall of others – had to say:

They don’t disappoint. The Daily Mirror is the clear winner in this case. The Daily Mail’s headline is kind of lame. To be fair to the Sun – which played it safe – the paper is owned by Rupert Murdoch, proprietor of the soon-to-be-defunct News of the World. Don’t think this was the time to be its usual cheeky self.

That said, turns out the venerable Times of London – yet another Murdoch-owned paper – went with the exact same headline as The Mirror:

How could they resist, though? A great headline is a great headline, and that’s a great headline.

Honourable mention goes to the Daily Telegraph:

ryan@roadtostarrdom.com