LIVING IN ONTARIO is sort of like being condemned to life as a perpetual teenager. I say that because this province has stupid laws dating back to Ontario’s tight-assed-Protestant days that give the government strict control over where alcohol is sold and who can sell it.

Residents can only buy beer, wine and booze from a limited number of distributors. The Beer Store (as our chain of retail outlets is so originally called) is owned by three large international brewing consortiums, effectively a foreign-controlled monopoly. Our liquor and wine store, the LCBO, is government-owned and operated.

The tightly regulated system means relatively stable pricing and selection, but the stock also could be seen as limited. What’s more, locations are few and far between, even in the heart of downtown Toronto where I live. Worst of all, the LCBO and Beer Store are closed on holidays, meaning mad, last-minute dashes and insane lineups the day before (and good luck to ya if you didn’t stock up properly!)

So it’s interesting to see this Angus Reid survey for the Ontario Convenience Store Association that shows 60 per cent of Ontario residents “support expanding the province’s alcohol retailing system to allow beer and wine to be sold by more types of retailers.”(The survey’s sponsor obviously has a vested interest here, but it’s still a significant finding, I think).

In support of the survey, the OCSA has launched an online campaign, Free Our Beer! “Wouldn’t it be great if we could run down to the local store to more conveniently buy beer or wine to entertain our friends?” the association says on the website. “Our alcohol retailing system is badly out of date. Let’s broaden the system – Let’s free our beer and wine so that more responsible retailers can give hard-working people in Ontario what they’re asking for.”

Other Canadian provinces like Quebec and Newfoundland “already offer the convenience of alcohol in convenience stores,” the OCSA notes. To head off the argument that convenience stores might be more lax about selling to young folks, the association cites a recent “underage secret shopper” test it conducted that showed convenience stores do a better job than either the LCBO or Beer Store at “keeping age‐restricted products from minors.”

The bottom line, OCSA president Dave Bryans says: “Ontario voters are simply asking for more convenience – like being able to pick up some beer for their BBQ on Canada Day. That’s not a lot to ask.”

It really isn’t. Selling beer and wine at corner stores – or better yet, private specialty shops – is a fine idea that should be embraced by a civilized society that respects its citizens. But when your province’s leader is known as “Premier Dad,” you know you’re due for a big buzz kill.

ryan@roadtostarrdom.com

The Scottish brewery made headlines this week for producing a 55%-alcohol beer, ominously named the End of History.

“This blond Belgian ale is infused with nettles from the Scottish Highlands and fresh juniper berries,” the proprietors say on their blog.

Only 12 bottles of the stuff have been made. Oh, and did I mention that each one comes stuffed in either a dead stoat or the corpse of a grey squirrel?!

This is not a joke. Here’s the promo clip:

“The striking packaging was created by a very talented taxidermist and all the animals used were road kill,” the company reassures customers. “This beer is an audacious blend of eccentricity, artistry and rebellion; changing the general perception of beer one stuffed animal at a time.”

If you think that sounds intriguing enough to try, you’re too late. Those dozen bottles sold out right away and the brewer doesn’t plan to produce any more.

The dead-animal thing is a rather odd/gross marketing gimmick, but BrewDog says it’s goal is to “push the boundaries and challenge people’s perceptions about what beer is and how it can be enjoyed. We ultimately want to show people that there is an alternative to the mainstream, generic beers and make other people as passionate about craft beer as we are.”

End of History is BrewDog’s latest, and last, in a line of extreme-alcohol beers that also includes Tactical Nuclear Penguin (32% ABV) and Sink the Bismarck! (41% ABV). Whoever is in charge of naming these things deserves a raise.

The thought of drinking beer with that much alcohol sounds nasty to me, but apparently these super-brews are meant to be sipped slowly, like a fine whiskey.

BrewDog describes the End of History bottles – the ones that come in dead squirrels and stoats – as “at once beautiful and disturbing.”

I’ll say. I don’t know what’s more disturbing: the idea of drinking 55%-alcohol beer out of a stuffed rodent, or paying more than $1,000 for the pleasure. Fortunately, it looks like I’ll never get the chance to decide.

ryan@roadtostarrdom.com