CANADIANS ARE

It is true that an unsettling number of our southern neighbours can’t manage to even find Canada on a map (despite it being a rather large landmass that takes up America’s entire northern border.)

So how unfortunate and regrettable – to use a bit diplomatese – that our defence minister Peter MacKay apparently couldn’t get his basic geography right yesterday, telling ex California governator Arnold Schwarzenegger that, “California and British Columbia have a shared border, a strong relationship.”

The two men were speaking at an event in Winnipeg – poor Ah-nold – when MacKay made what the Toronto Star dubbed his “border blunder.” The Star — no fan of Canada’s Conservative government — even went to the trouble of creating a helpful graphic to show just how off the mark the Tory minister was:

It’s not clear whether MacKay truly didn’t have his facts together, but Schwarzenegger was charitable in how he handled his host’s Dubya-like mess up.

“I think it is important for the American people in general to learn as much as possible about Canada,” he said, according to the Star. “They’re not as educated about the rest of the world as they are about America.”

The irony there is so thick you need a machete to cut through it.

ryan@roadtostarrdom.com

Rynn has dubbed his sendup ‘The Canadian.’

The New York-based funny man crams an impressive number of stereotypes into the two-minute clip, most notably the unique way we Canadians pronounce ‘out’ – ‘owt’ – and our excessive politeness, among other Great White North staples such as Tim Hortons and The Tragically Hip (who no one listens to anymore, but still…)

Rynn insists his video is not meant to offend, or even be accurate. “Everyone likes you,” he told the Toronto Star, somewhat condescendingly. “You have publicly funded health care and education, no military entanglements or oil spills – it’s not fair. We have to make fun of something.”

Er, dude’s apparently not aware of Canada’s small entanglement in Afghanistan. You could conclude from this, then, that Rynn is ignorant about what’s happening beyond his country’s own borders. But then, he’s just being a stereotypical American (zing!).

ryan@roadtostarrdom.com

WITH THE

Most of this reporting is naturally focusing on Katrina’s aftermath and the botched response that continues to impact the area; notably the work done by CNN’s Anderson Cooper, who’s returned to the region semi-regularly over the years to “keep them honest.” He’s there now, actually.

It’s troubling that Gulf Coast residents are still struggling to return to normal five years later. BP dumping a monster load of oil into the Gulf didn’t help matters.

And yes, Katrina was a catastrophe that exposed some disturbing realities; namely, that the U.S. government failed to fulfill its primary duty: to protect the American people; and that black folks apparently are still regarded as second-class citizens in certain parts of the nation.

But natural disasters happen nearly every week somewhere around the world, resulting in far more destruction and higher body counts than Katrina – most recently the floods in Pakistan. Yet these barely register on the radars of most U.S. media.

Of course, everything is more important when it happens in and to America, that’s just the way it is. And it’s inevitable that news organizations will be milking the Katrina anniversary as much as possible. Still, I’m tired of hearing about it.

That said, I think if the U.S. media were to provide broader perspective in its coverage, it just might help to break the country out of its cocoon-like view, if only for a minute or two.

Instead of resorting to the same old solemn, overwrought, melodramatic coverage of post-hurricane New Orleans, perhaps an enterprising television network or newspaper could send reporters to Pakistan to, I don’t know, compare/contrast the impact of the disaster there to that of Katrina.

What are the common threads? Strength in the face of great adversity; lack of help for the poorest citizens; government incompetence, etc. Whatever they may be, it could all make for one of those ”teachable moments.”

On second thought, this would never work.  The vast majority of Pakistan is Muslim – and lord knows the “ground zero mosque” brouhaha has shown us how dangerous it is to invoke Islam in the context of a great American tragedy.

ryan@roadtostarrdom.com

Not the most pleasant creature, but it's ours.

CANADA GEESE are a complete and utter nuisance.

They happen to bear this country’s name, and, as such, have come to be seen as a national symbol of sorts, along with Mounties, beavers and maple syrup. But our default national bird can also be quite a pain, particularly beyond our borders.

Recall Canada geese were responsible for bringing down Capt. Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger’s US Airways Flight 1549 in January 2009 (to be fair, though, they could also be credited with helping him become an American hero, at least for a few weeks, until another one came along.)

Sadly, last week 400 geese in Brooklyn’s Prospect Park were rounded up and gassed over concerns they were endangering airplane flights.

Canada geese also shit a ton and always seem to leave piles of poo in their wake. And so in Oregon recently, another 109 of them were gassed, because “the birds had become a pest in local parks, and many people were disgusted by the goose droppings,” the Canadian Press reports.

I don’t like to hear about any animals being gassed, even if it’s a cull carried out by civic authorities in an effort to mitigate a problem. But I understand that it sometimes has to be done, and I suppose that’s the most humane way to do it. It happens here in Canada, too.

What baffles me, though, is what happened in New Jersey earlier this week when police discovered 18 geese that had been beaten and shot in the head in a parking lot near a pond. I realize we’re talking about New Jersey, the a-hole of America, but still, who does that?

Not surprisingly, the matter has sparked outrage here in the Great White North — Goosegate, it’s being called.

The controversy is for good reason — can you imagine if a Canadian were to slaughter a bunch of bald eagles, the national bird and quintessential symbol of the United States? Methinks the long-predicted American invasion of this ”freedom-hating” nation would be imminent.

ryan@roadtostarrdom.com

Related: Honk if you love the Canada Goose

Osama: Save the Earth, death to America!

OSAMA BIN LADEN is back in the news, and not just because he’s released one of his tirades against evil America.

He has issued a new tirade, only this time Osama’s got a new focus for his ire. In a taped message aired on Al Jazeera last week, the Titan of Terror blames the U.S. and other industrialized nations for … wait for it … causing climate change.

“The effects of global warming have touched every continent,” Osama says in the message, sounding like a university professor. “Drought and deserts are spreading … floods and hurricanes unseen before the previous decades have now become frequent.”

He continued: “George Bush Jr., preceded by Congress, dismissed the agreement to placate giant corporations. And they are themselves standing behind speculation, monopoly and soaring living costs.”

The King of Jihad says the only way to prevent climate change from becoming a full-blown disaster is by, of course, destroying America. A familiar theme of his to be sure, but Osama’s not talking about blowing planes out of the sky or leveling buildings.

That was sooo last decade.

Rather, this time Osama wants his followers to ruin America by crippling its economy through the boycotting of U.S. goods and the greenback.

“People of the world, it’s not right for the burden to be left on the mujahideen in an issue that causes harm to everyone,” he said. “Boycott them to save yourselves and your possessions and your children from climate change and to live proud and free.”

Osama has addressed climate change before. But analysts note this is the first time he has dedicated an entire taped message to the topic.

Indeed, his new rant didn’t deal with any of his usual fave topics: the need for jihad to avenge injustices against Muslims, wiping Israel from the face of the Earth, etc.

So what gives?

Perhaps Osama figured his same old diatribes against the West weren’t having the same effect they used to. Maybe he’s attempting to broaden his appeal; expand his base.

Makes sense, I suppose. After all, his peeps have been shrinking: getting killed off by predator drones in the mountains of northwest Pakistan, burning their balls on airplanes above Detroit and what not.

Still, who knew Osama was so concerned about climate change? Does it even matter when you hang out in a cave?

It makes you wonder what kind of world we’d be living in if Al Gore had become president back in 2000.

Would Osama have been all: “Well Al, you are the leader of a very evil nation, but you’ve got some darn good ideas about tackling climate change. Loved you in An Inconvenient Truth, by the way. What moisturizer do you use?

“C’mon, Let’s forget about all this jihad business. How could I stay mad at you, Al? Listen, come to my cave, we’ll grab some beers, non-alcoholic of course, and talk global warming.”

Instead we got Dubya. And we all know how that turned out.

ryan@roadtostarrdom.com

Look out 2012, here comes Sarah Palin

SHE’S BA-ACK – and with a vengeance. Sarah Palin’s new memoir, ‘Going Rogue: An American Life‘, hits stores Tuesday. (Should have been called ‘Mavericky: How I Thought the Election Was All About Me and Helped Kill Whatever Chance John McCain Had of Winning It’).

The Baracuda has returned. She never really left, of course. Since failing in her bid with McCain for the White House, and resigning as governor of Alaska in the summer, Palin has served as a vocal conservative counterpoint to the American left, staying in the thick of things by sharing her views – mainly through her Facebook page – on the issues of the day. (She helped perpetuate that whole death panel thing, for example.)

Dobbs for president? He certainly looks the part.

With her book hitting stores this week, you’d have to think Palin is taking a first major step toward a 2012 presidential bid. It is not beyond the realm of possibility that Palin could get the nod from the Republicans for the nomination. After all, the party is currently bereft of any notable new contenders. (Though perhaps Lou Dobbs could be one now – he certainly looks presidential.)

UPDATE (Nov. 25): Lou Dobbs weighs Senate run, as a steppingstone

Palin, when she’s not raging against the “liberal media,” has a certain folksy charm and conservative views, all of which is appealing to them there down-home ‘real Americans.’  And it turns out she’s not as clueless as she seemed in her disastrous interviews with Katie Couric during last year’s election.

Why wouldn’t the Republicans go with Palin? President Obama is up against it these days, with two wars, a battered economy, health care reform and climate change. So far, though, he’s had few victories to speak of and has left many supporters wondering what happened.

Crazy though it may seem, is it possible disenchanted independent voters (those who decide elections) would give up on Obama and opt for Sarah Barracuda?

For now at least, there are few signs of that being a possibility. A recent Gallup survey found that 63 per cent of voters would not seriously consider Palin for the White House in 2012. And while she may be popular among Republicans, only 28 per cent of independents – those who make or break elections – think she is qualified to be president.

I can't see the difference, can you?

Still, politics and certainly elections are driven by personality, and Palin has plenty of chutzpah (I have to admit, though, I find it hard sometimes to decipher whether who I’m seeing on television is actually Sarah Palin or Tina Fey… more often than not it’s Fey.)

Plus, for what it’s worth, she’s apparently sexy enough to inspire a new porn series: “Who’s Nailin’ Paylin?” (with both “Obama” and “Joe the Plumber” making appearances as co-stars).

Let’s see Mike Huckabee or Mitt Romney beat that. On second thought, let’s not.

ryan@roadtostarrdom.com

Related:

AP says Palin’s book goes rogue on some facts

Why women can’t let Sarah Palin go

Palin calls Newsweek cover ‘sexist’ and ‘degrading‘

Harper: Doesn't want to hear what the news media says about him.

CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER Stephen Harper created a bit of a stink last week when he told a business luncheon that “I don’t like to watch Canadian news.”

The PM, leader of the Conservative Party, said he doesn’t enjoy hearing what “everybody else is saying about me, so my hobby is to watch politics elsewhere … mainly American news.”

Harper is well-known for having not-so-thinly veiled contempt for the press. He’s had a rocky relationship with those who cover him since taking office nearly four years ago.

Perhaps not surprisingly then, the bulk of the outrage over his comments has come from the Canadian news media (as well as opposition politicians, obviously, who have seized on the opportunity to portray Harper as out of touch).

I’m neither a Harper supporter nor a detractor (though I’m not sure the other parties offer a better alternative at the moment). Regardless, I think the reaction to his statement the other day is a tad overblown.

I don’t necessarily believe it’s cool for the PM to admit he doesn’t watch Canadian news, but most of us, if we’re honest, would acknowledge that the subject matter on offer here is generally not all that exciting, despite CBC’s efforts to jazz things up.

But just because Harper doesn’t tune into the Canadian news to follow the political coverage, doesn’t mean he’s uninformed. He is the top dog after all. The guy gets the inside line on the stuff that matters; it’s not like he needs to watch the evening news to know what’s up.

Truth is, it seemed there were just as many people on blogs and in comments sections last week who were with the PM on this one: they don’t watch Canadian news either.

It might be unfair to say that it’s because our news is boring. All I know is that many times I’ve left this country for weeks on end and returned only to find that nothing all that exciting/significant happened while I was gone.

I mean really - what is Harper missing by not tuning into Canadian news? Polar bear trapped on ice floe? Cold snap leads to run on parkas? Beaver population surpasses moose? Maple syrup shortage sparks panic?

Why would the PM bother with this trivial pap when he could just flip on Fox News or CNN and get the latest on Balloon Boy.

ryan@roadtostarrdom.com

But after watching this clip of Glenn Beck – I never realized he was so cuckoo back when he was a minor personality on CNN Headline News – I’m convinced that if the folks at Fox are obsessed with warding off dangers to national security, they would do well to look within their own ranks.

Considering how many people take Beck and his rambling, incoherent, paranoid ravings seriously – he averaged around two million viewers most evenings this past week – it frightens me to think what he could convince them to do in order to, as he puts it, “save your republic.”

ryan@roadtostarrdom.com

>> Related read: Glenn Beck can’t spell