Rynn has dubbed his sendup ‘The Canadian.’

The New York-based funny man crams an impressive number of stereotypes into the two-minute clip, most notably the unique way we Canadians pronounce ‘out’ – ‘owt’ – and our excessive politeness, among other Great White North staples such as Tim Hortons and The Tragically Hip (who no one listens to anymore, but still…)

Rynn insists his video is not meant to offend, or even be accurate. “Everyone likes you,” he told the Toronto Star, somewhat condescendingly. “You have publicly funded health care and education, no military entanglements or oil spills – it’s not fair. We have to make fun of something.”

Er, dude’s apparently not aware of Canada’s small entanglement in Afghanistan. You could conclude from this, then, that Rynn is ignorant about what’s happening beyond his country’s own borders. But then, he’s just being a stereotypical American (zing!).

ryan@roadtostarrdom.com

Not the most pleasant creature, but it's ours.

CANADA GEESE are a complete and utter nuisance.

They happen to bear this country’s name, and, as such, have come to be seen as a national symbol of sorts, along with Mounties, beavers and maple syrup. But our default national bird can also be quite a pain, particularly beyond our borders.

Recall Canada geese were responsible for bringing down Capt. Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger’s US Airways Flight 1549 in January 2009 (to be fair, though, they could also be credited with helping him become an American hero, at least for a few weeks, until another one came along.)

Sadly, last week 400 geese in Brooklyn’s Prospect Park were rounded up and gassed over concerns they were endangering airplane flights.

Canada geese also shit a ton and always seem to leave piles of poo in their wake. And so in Oregon recently, another 109 of them were gassed, because “the birds had become a pest in local parks, and many people were disgusted by the goose droppings,” the Canadian Press reports.

I don’t like to hear about any animals being gassed, even if it’s a cull carried out by civic authorities in an effort to mitigate a problem. But I understand that it sometimes has to be done, and I suppose that’s the most humane way to do it. It happens here in Canada, too.

What baffles me, though, is what happened in New Jersey earlier this week when police discovered 18 geese that had been beaten and shot in the head in a parking lot near a pond. I realize we’re talking about New Jersey, the a-hole of America, but still, who does that?

Not surprisingly, the matter has sparked outrage here in the Great White North — Goosegate, it’s being called.

The controversy is for good reason — can you imagine if a Canadian were to slaughter a bunch of bald eagles, the national bird and quintessential symbol of the United States? Methinks the long-predicted American invasion of this ”freedom-hating” nation would be imminent.

ryan@roadtostarrdom.com

Related: Honk if you love the Canada Goose

On Tuesday, just before the Ukraine parliament approved an agreement to allow the Russian Navy to remain in the port of Sevastopol until 2042, opposition legislators began tossing eggs in protest and then smoke bombs were set off.

Things got so eggy in there that the speaker had to be shielded with umbrellas, which, unless it was raining in Kiev that day, are apparently kept around for moments just like this.

The parliamentarians then proceeded to brawl (I dig this crazy place!):

I’m sure there are plenty of Republicans in the U.S. who would love nothing more than to toss a bunch of eggs – or any number of other projectiles – at Nancy Pelosi, then reach across the aisle to punch out a health care lovin’/freedom-hating/socialist Democrat or two.

But as screwed up as things might be down there (very), I can’t see this kind of mayhem occurring in Washington. Never mind Canada — such behaviour is far too passionate and visceral for our boring politicians. Besides, there’s really no need to hurl anything at lawmakers here, they’re always wearing egg on their faces anyway.

ryan@roadtostarrdom.com

BTW: This brought to mind my all-time favourite egg-chucking moment, from the 2001 British general election, which provoked the now infamous “Prescott punch.”

Osama: Save the Earth, death to America!

OSAMA BIN LADEN is back in the news, and not just because he’s released one of his tirades against evil America.

He has issued a new tirade, only this time Osama’s got a new focus for his ire. In a taped message aired on Al Jazeera last week, the Titan of Terror blames the U.S. and other industrialized nations for … wait for it … causing climate change.

“The effects of global warming have touched every continent,” Osama says in the message, sounding like a university professor. “Drought and deserts are spreading … floods and hurricanes unseen before the previous decades have now become frequent.”

He continued: “George Bush Jr., preceded by Congress, dismissed the agreement to placate giant corporations. And they are themselves standing behind speculation, monopoly and soaring living costs.”

The King of Jihad says the only way to prevent climate change from becoming a full-blown disaster is by, of course, destroying America. A familiar theme of his to be sure, but Osama’s not talking about blowing planes out of the sky or leveling buildings.

That was sooo last decade.

Rather, this time Osama wants his followers to ruin America by crippling its economy through the boycotting of U.S. goods and the greenback.

“People of the world, it’s not right for the burden to be left on the mujahideen in an issue that causes harm to everyone,” he said. “Boycott them to save yourselves and your possessions and your children from climate change and to live proud and free.”

Osama has addressed climate change before. But analysts note this is the first time he has dedicated an entire taped message to the topic.

Indeed, his new rant didn’t deal with any of his usual fave topics: the need for jihad to avenge injustices against Muslims, wiping Israel from the face of the Earth, etc.

So what gives?

Perhaps Osama figured his same old diatribes against the West weren’t having the same effect they used to. Maybe he’s attempting to broaden his appeal; expand his base.

Makes sense, I suppose. After all, his peeps have been shrinking: getting killed off by predator drones in the mountains of northwest Pakistan, burning their balls on airplanes above Detroit and what not.

Still, who knew Osama was so concerned about climate change? Does it even matter when you hang out in a cave?

It makes you wonder what kind of world we’d be living in if Al Gore had become president back in 2000.

Would Osama have been all: “Well Al, you are the leader of a very evil nation, but you’ve got some darn good ideas about tackling climate change. Loved you in An Inconvenient Truth, by the way. What moisturizer do you use?

“C’mon, Let’s forget about all this jihad business. How could I stay mad at you, Al? Listen, come to my cave, we’ll grab some beers, non-alcoholic of course, and talk global warming.”

Instead we got Dubya. And we all know how that turned out.

ryan@roadtostarrdom.com

Harper: Taking advantage of Canadians' apathy.

IT’S HARD TO get all that excited about Canadian politics, even during an election. 

Whether it’s because nothing genuinely thrilling ever happens in Ottawa – compared to Washington or London, at least – or it’s simply that Canadians are apathetic about how our country is run, the fact is no one seems to care all that much about the goings-on in our capital. 

This sad truth was brought into sharp relief this week as the Liberal Party, Canada’s official opposition, attempted to stir up public outrage over Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s suspension, or proroguing, of Parliament until March (once the Vancouver Winter Olympics are over). 

Ignatieff: Not an attractive alternative.

The Liberals – led by Michael Ignatieff, who despite all his efforts has never gained much traction with Canadians – are accusing Harper of shutting down Parliament in an effort to avoid answering questions about a scandal over the torture of Afghan detainees. 

Whatever Harper’s reasons for halting the political proceedings in Ottawa, and despite the furor the Liberals have tried, and failed, to generate over the matter, the whole thing seems to have been greeted by Canadians with little more than a shrug and a yawn. (Mind you, there has been a Facebook group launched in protest – oooh, yeah, that oughta show that pesky PM!) 

It’s kind of curious. I can’t imagine Americans or Brits not giving a hoot if their leader suddenly pulled a move like this. Harper’s actions are really quite audacious, as satirist Rick Mercer noted in an opinion piece in the Globe and Mail this week: 

Snow days don’t apply to adults unless you happen to be the Prime Minister of Canada, who with one phone call has the ability to give every member of Parliament two months off…

Our Parliament has been suspended for no other reason than the Prime Minister simply can’t be bothered with the relentless checks and balances that democracy affords us. 

He doesn’t want to have to stand in the House of Commons and hear anyone question him on any subject. I don’t blame him. Parliament is filled with jackals, opportunists and boors. The problem is, like it or not, they were elected. 

It’s obnoxious that our PM knows he can get away with such antics scot-free. But as radio host John Moore wrote in his National Post blog, Harper “enjoys an uncanny skill at divining what the people don’t care about.” 

And he’s obviously well aware of what I’ve said before in this space: the one and only thing Canadians do care about collectively as a nation is hockey – and there’s been plenty of that to focus on lately. 

Canadians were more concerned with our junior team's showing than with Harper's antics.

Indeed, our team’s performance over the last few weeks at the World Junior Hockey Championship in Saskatoon, Sask. – including a heartbreaking loss to the American squad Tuesday night – was of far greater concern to most canucks than a bunch of lame politicians giving themselves an extended vacation. 

That Harper can pull such a move with seemingly no consequences underscores another reality about this country: our governments usually enjoy free rein simply because there is a lack of a viable alternative. Ignatieff is nowhere near adequate, polls suggest. And the left-leaning New Democratic Party never has and likely never will form government at the national level. 

Harper realizes this, and he seems to be taking full advantage. After all, long as there’s hockey on TV, he knows Canadians have far more important things to focus on than what he’s up to – even if it is basically putting democracy on hold. 

ryan@roadtostarrdom.com

>> The Economist weighs in: Harper goes prorogue: Parliamentary scrutiny may be tedious, but democracies cannot afford to dispense with it

Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab: Accused of trying to blow up a plane on Christmas Day.

INTERESTING HOW the public’s response to terrorism has evolved over the past decade.

In the aftermath of Sept. 11, most of us were a bit unnerved and easily convinced that another attack could be imminent.

Each time there was even a hint of something bad happening – anthrax in the mail, the shoe bomber, etc. – fears were stoked anew (with glee, in the case of newscasters, who breathlessly reported on raised threat levels).

But following reports of Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab’s botched attempt to blow up a plane over Detroit on Christmas Day – as if Detroit hasn’t had it bad enough – the public’s reaction was less, ‘Oh crap, we’re under attack!’ and more, ‘Damn, this is going to make it so much more inconvenient to fly now.”

And it has. With security stepped up at airports around the world in the past few days, there have been serious delays, worse than what could usually be expected during the hectic holiday travel season.

Transport Canada has issued a no carry-on policy on all flights from Canada to the U.S., with a few exceptions for vital things such as small purses, items for infant care, medication and containers “carrying life-sustaining items.”

You also can’t get out of your seat with an hour remaining in the flight. (Does that mean they’ll now be providing an adult diaper in the seat-back pocket along with the barf bag?)

Thanks a lot, Umar!

This would-be attack – thwarted by a faulty rig, not by airport security – underscores a disconcerting reality: all those ridiculous measures that were supposed to have made us safer, and therefore worth all the inconvenience and irritation, couldn’t stop terrorism from happening, or almost happening, in this case.

(That the Dec. 25 plot was able to get to the point of execution is evidence of a a deeper problem, of course. An angry President Obama on Tuesday called it a “systemic failure” in the national security apparatus.)

Umar had quite the package.

Fact is, terrorists will keep coming up with ways to beat the system; they’re crafty like that. Abdulmutallab apparently had the explosive material sown into his underwear (now that takes balls).

There has been talk that a full-body scanner might have helped catch the guy before he got on the plane. So we can probably expect these things will be commonplace in most airports going forward, much to the delight of perverted security personnel.

Until then, passengers are being subjected to pat-downs and dog-sniffs. And I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before there’s a new pre-flight routine: ‘Take off your belt, your shoes, and oh yeah, your pants. (Insert sound of latex glove snapping.) Now bend over and take a deep breath, boy.”

Er, road trip, anyone?

ryan@roadtostarrdom.com

Harper: Doesn't want to hear what the news media says about him.

CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER Stephen Harper created a bit of a stink last week when he told a business luncheon that “I don’t like to watch Canadian news.”

The PM, leader of the Conservative Party, said he doesn’t enjoy hearing what “everybody else is saying about me, so my hobby is to watch politics elsewhere … mainly American news.”

Harper is well-known for having not-so-thinly veiled contempt for the press. He’s had a rocky relationship with those who cover him since taking office nearly four years ago.

Perhaps not surprisingly then, the bulk of the outrage over his comments has come from the Canadian news media (as well as opposition politicians, obviously, who have seized on the opportunity to portray Harper as out of touch).

I’m neither a Harper supporter nor a detractor (though I’m not sure the other parties offer a better alternative at the moment). Regardless, I think the reaction to his statement the other day is a tad overblown.

I don’t necessarily believe it’s cool for the PM to admit he doesn’t watch Canadian news, but most of us, if we’re honest, would acknowledge that the subject matter on offer here is generally not all that exciting, despite CBC’s efforts to jazz things up.

But just because Harper doesn’t tune into the Canadian news to follow the political coverage, doesn’t mean he’s uninformed. He is the top dog after all. The guy gets the inside line on the stuff that matters; it’s not like he needs to watch the evening news to know what’s up.

Truth is, it seemed there were just as many people on blogs and in comments sections last week who were with the PM on this one: they don’t watch Canadian news either.

It might be unfair to say that it’s because our news is boring. All I know is that many times I’ve left this country for weeks on end and returned only to find that nothing all that exciting/significant happened while I was gone.

I mean really - what is Harper missing by not tuning into Canadian news? Polar bear trapped on ice floe? Cold snap leads to run on parkas? Beaver population surpasses moose? Maple syrup shortage sparks panic?

Why would the PM bother with this trivial pap when he could just flip on Fox News or CNN and get the latest on Balloon Boy.

ryan@roadtostarrdom.com

The summit featured appearances from "celebrities" like Stephen Baldwin.

THE VALUES Voter Summit wrapped up Sunday in Washington, DC.

The event, a mega-meeting of social conservatives, featured appearances from religious leaders, politicians and C-list celebrities such as Stephen Baldwin and the former Miss California, Carrie Prejean. If you don’t know who she is – which wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world – check out this infamous clip from last year’s Miss USA pageant:

I’m all for folks getting together to discuss matters of faith as they relate to public affairs. I have to say, though, I was taken aback – and mildly amused in a “man these guys are nutty” kind of way – by the names of some of the breakout sessions on offer. For example:

•True tolerance: Countering the homosexual agenda in public schools. Presumably this would be referring to the agenda of those who don’t view homosexuality as some kind of aberration / horrible disease.

•Marriage: Why it’s worth defending and how redefining it threatens religious liberty. The program notes indicate that this session focused on how to ensure gay marriage supporters aren’t allowed to turn the “traditional understanding of marriage” into a form of “irrational prejudice that should be purged from public life.” (Right, because the pro gay marriage people are the irrational ones.)

Not surprisingly, the summit also included a session on: Global warming hysteria: The new face of the ‘pro-death’ agenda. The program notes say:

Climate change hysteria rests on an unbiblical view of God, mankind, and the environment … Come and hear how the Cornwall Alliance is pushing back … educating pastors and churches across the country, and activating thousands of Christians to rally against the hype.

I’m not sure “activating” is the best choice of words – it kind of makes Christians sound like robots…

Wait, there’s more. Attendees had the chance to take in a second round of sessions. Options included:

•The new masculinity (presumably tied into the campaign to counter the “homosexual agenda” at schools). “Feminism has wreaked havoc on marriage, women, children and men,” the literature reads. “It is time to redress the disorder.”

Solutions here would likely include taking away of a woman’s right to vote, then shackling her to a bed with only enough chain slack to be able to get to the kitchen to make her man a meal.

•Thugocracy – Fighting the vast left wing conspiracy. “President Obama and the Democratic Party is doing all it can to suppress free speech that they disagree with and that threatens their plans for a “permanent majority” in power,” the program notes say. “How real is this threat and how can we fight it?”

I get nervous any time I hear Obama and threat muttered in the same breath by right-wing conspiracy theorists. Makes me wonder what some psychos might do to deal with that “threat.” God only knows, I suppose.

ryan@roadtostarrdom.com

But after watching this clip of Glenn Beck – I never realized he was so cuckoo back when he was a minor personality on CNN Headline News – I’m convinced that if the folks at Fox are obsessed with warding off dangers to national security, they would do well to look within their own ranks.

Considering how many people take Beck and his rambling, incoherent, paranoid ravings seriously – he averaged around two million viewers most evenings this past week – it frightens me to think what he could convince them to do in order to, as he puts it, “save your republic.”

ryan@roadtostarrdom.com

>> Related read: Glenn Beck can’t spell

WJC: Not a big draw for fair-goers.

WHO CARES what Bill Clinton has to say?

Here in Toronto, apparently not many people. The Big Dog is slated to give a speech Saturday at the Canadian National Exhibition, the city’s annual end-of-summer fair that for most typically consists of nothing more substantive than munching on caramel corn and cotton candy, risking your life on sketchy rides and perhaps enjoying a few rounds of skee ball.

When Clinton’s appearance was announced earlier this month, it was expected 25,000 people would pack a soccer stadium to absorb the former president’s pearls of wisdom. (He’s to deliver a speech entitled: “Embracing Our Common Humanity.”) So far, though, only 7,000 advance tickets have been sold.

Organizers, who blame a tight two-week lead time and Clinton-specific advertising rules – his name and image can’t be used alongside ticket pricing information (great idea guys!) – have resorted to offering bargains to put butts in seats: anyone who buys a regular admission ticket to the CNE can see the ex-prez for $5.

If this seems kind of sad, it is. Only weeks ago the guy helped negotiate the release of U.S. journalists from the clutches of the evil North Koreans. Now there’s a chance there’ll be more tumbleweed at BMO Field than attendees. Considering Clinton earns between $150,000 and $200,000 per speaking engagement, though, I’m not sure it matters to him how many show up. (Besides, this will be the second time in the past three months he’s been here… I mean, give it a rest Bubba.)

More appealing than Clinton?

Serves organizers right for booking Clinton to speak at a fairgrounds. If you’ve ever been to the CNE – or any fair for that matter – you understand we’re talking about a crowd that would rather mow down on deep-fried donuts, ride ferris wheels and win giant stuffed panda bears than listen to some dude yabber on about humanity – even if he is a two-term ex-president.

Maybe WJC should change his topic to: “My freakiest after hours Oval Office escapades.” Now there’s a sideshow that ’d be sure to draw a crowd.

ryan@roadtostarrdom.com